In last Blog devoted to “Yo Mama” I talked about trusting your gut instinct and the ways in which our mother’s parenting can support that or get in the way, even harm us. And, yet, we have the power to reclaim our voices and our feminine power by going through a little re-parenting, shall we say. In this Blog, I will focus on 12 other ways you can help yourself build your own personal Truth power!
They are the remaining 12 “Good Mother” messages (plus the one mentioned before)! We all (men too) need them to grow into healthy, confident, self-loving individuals. I hope you pay close attention to those that sound familiar and those that are foreign for they all tells us a story about our lives, what we got from our families and what we need to build the bestfriend within, YOURSELF.
According to Jack Lee Rosenberg (1985) these are the essential ingredients needed for healthy development of any child in this culture:
The Good Mother Messages
I want you.
I love you.
I’ll take care of you.
You can trust me.
I’ll be there for you; I’ll be there even when you die.
It is not what you do but who you are that I love.
You are special to me.
I love you, and I give you permission to be different from me.
Sometimes I will tell you “no” and that’s because I love you.
My love will make you well.
I see you and I hear you.
You can trust your inner voice.
You don’t have to be afraid anymore.
Do any of these sound familiar? Do some seem like long lost strangers, or total strangers? There is probably a good reason for the familiarity of some scripts and the absence of others in your memory. Without them, we run the risk of self-sabotage or neurotic behaviors that can be self-destructive. But I want you to be self-affirming and actualizing.
Do any of these sound familiar?
I am not good enough.
I can’t trust my inner voice.
They’ll never like me.
I am not worthy.
If you, as a girl, didn’t have many of the “good mother” messages we mentioned in the last Blog, or they were superficially provided and not truly felt by you in your body and soul, then it is most likely that you have had an over abundance of negative or mixed messages you have continued to live your life by.
Maybe you learned to split off and become distant or dissociative with out them, you become a workaholic to please others or prove your worth, or you live your life like a victim who can never seem to get enough or live with abundance and plenty. Just possibilities.
Well, do any of those coping strategies sound appealing to you?
I am here to tell you that you do have a chance to rid yourself of negative self talk that stems from not getting these messages. Secondly, you can build up the “good mother” sentiments inside of you, to get to your true Self, and to live with more confidence and joy.
Let me show you what has helped for my clients in the following exercises. Repetition is the key, so one must stay constant and caring in doing these exercises for herself.
Imagine, a healthy mother would have repeated and shown the 13 concepts over and over again until you would have really believed them to be true for yourself. I had a woman, and a mother, attending my women’s support group say after a “good mother” practice session,
I said every one of these to my children in some way. I am so glad I did. They now say them back to me. I swore- I never got any of them, so I would have to create my own and say them to my kids. And it paid off! They are doing really well. I am so proud of them and of me for d oing better than they [my parents] did.
Isn’t that awesome? I was so happy for this woman. Most of us in the room had tears in our eyes as she told her story. It was real. They do work. We need them and each other.
Now, you get to repeat and re-program old, unwanted beliefs and habits so you can have that trust in your inner voice by:
Write these messages once every day for a week to give yourself a visual reinforcement. On the seventh day, cover up the list from this article. Try to write as many of the statements as you can recall. Time yourself. Give yourself three minutes or less (and don’t peak!). Turn over the list I gave you and compare your freshly scribed list. Which ones did you forget? Those are the ones that may be the missing links from your own childhood. These are the ones you need to strengthen within to build a sense of Self, security and inner freedom. When we trust others, we trust ourselves (number 4). When we know we will be accepted for being true to ourselves (number 8) we live less afraid and more excited and energized. When we feel cared for (by ourselves in our adult lives- number 13) we know everything will be OK and that we can accomplish almost anything.
SAYING THEM, SEEING THEM
Parents do things to prove their devotion to us as children, and they also say these statements in their own ways if they are to produce healthy offspring who can stand on their own two feet. You will need to do the same.
You can either: 1) Start by reading all “good mother” messages to yourself in the mirror; and/or, 2) Pick the ones from “Write Them” that you know are your weak areas, and memorize them, saying them in the mirror. Helpful Tips: Comfort yourself as a mother would by holding yourself in a soft embrace, by touching a weak part of your body (maybe where you got sick as a child or where you hold illness today), or by really looking in your eyes with the gaze a loving mother might give as you say these into the mirror.
Give these 13 statements real, emotional weight in your body and soul through energetic and mind-body support. In Integrative Body Psychotherapy, Dr. Rosenberg claims that these words must be lived in the organism, which is YOU!
Take 5-15 minutes per day to practice your favorite meditative, calming practice with one of your most desired messages of the thirteen in mind. Let that message be the focus of your meditation, rewriting to fit your daily affirmation, and speaking it over and over (10-20 times) as a mantra in tune with the inhale and exhale of your breath work. As you inhale, speak your mantra. As you exhale, let any past limiting energies or beliefs to be realized around this missing link.
Using a favorite NLP technique, the Circle of Excellence, pick one of the 13 messages you would like to really feel and believe. Remember it. Then, find a quiet, private space for 10-15 minutes. Let your mind draw an imaginary circle of excellence on the floor while you stand on it’s edge. Shut your eyes. Imagine the emotional state or experience that would best capture your message. For example, if it were #11 “I see you and I hear you” your emotion word might be “recognized,” “acknowledged,” or “seen.”…….etc.
Identify times in your life when you did or did not get one “good mother” message. Tell the story. Focus on the consequences of this and how you have worked through that, the ways in which you have successfully done it differently for you or your children.
But, also- practice forgiveness and compassion for your parents, for in doing so you will give yourself true permission to accept where you came from to get to where you want to go your own, more honest way. The more we focus on “the story” of what we lacked as children, and the more we blame others for what has already passed- the more damage we do to ourselves and our loved ones. Forgiveness heals. What if you said these messages to your parents instead?
The Universe provides us with insights and abundance when we are living in a state of the “good mother,” for the good mother within us IS abundance. To do this we must practice being grateful and forgiving.
The more we give the more we receive. Share these concepts with others, perhaps even those who rub you the wrong way, for they may be best teachers. The more you practice accepting the beauty of someone’s differences (#8) the more tolerance, love and abundance you will attract yourself. It’s Universal Law. Maybe it is through your compassionate action with someone very different from yourself, or maybe it’s telling your own daughter or husband these 13 statements throughout the week.
What is the cost of NOT having the “good mother” messages?
Are you attracting negative people into your life or not getting what you want, what feeds you? Those are the consequences, and opportunities for learning…
To get what you truly desire you will need to let go of any attachment to what other think of you.
You are what you eat; you are what you think. You will need to release old, limiting beliefs in order to fill yourself with “good” messages that will attract abundance and light into your life.
You’re not a child anymore. You determine your own scripts. No one can hurt you unless you are hurting yourself. So, it’s time to let go to bring in the new! No one can make you feel unloved, unhealthy, untrustworthy or unspecialized, only you can!
May you reclaim that Goddess within.
Feel free to ask me about my professional offerings that are devoted to your truly living these messages and your own truth.